A funny thing happened on the way to inclusion

March 12, 2010 by
Filed under: Uncategorized 

My amateurish meanderings around evolutionary psychology have provoked a limited, albeit high quality, response. So, in a desperate attempt to boost my numbers over the weekend I will revert to what has been a more popular topic; terrible jokes.

On Wednesday and Thursday I chaired the National Digital Inclusion conference. This was my third time and on each occasion we have managed to make the conference have a stronger activist feel. This year, ahead of the unveiling of an action plan by the Digital Inclusion Champion, Martha Lane Fox, we asked delegates to come up with twenty promises. The grand winner, judged by among others Shadow DCMS Secretary Jeremy Hunt and Prof Tanya Byron, was a commitment by Peabody and Southern housing associations to get all their sheltered housing residents on line.

But neither this and the other nineteen ideas, nor all the speeches and workshops, will be what is remembered from the two days. Oh no! The conference was held at Vinopolis, the wine museum and venue near London Bridge. And so it was incumbent on me to litter (which given its connotations of rubbish is the right word) the proceedings with puns. In ascending order of brilliance here they are:

‘ I do hope this conference will see the issue of inclusion approached with real claret – e’

‘ It’s workshop time. Let’s Rioja ‘nd roll’

‘ I want us to avoid jargon, speaking in terms that would appeal to white vin man’

‘ Sorry you had to queue in the cold  to get in. A woman in a sequin jacket was moaning at me. I didn’t mind. I’m rather partial to a sparkling whine’

‘ We had hoped Lord Mandelson would join us today but he insisted if he had he would have required a special entrance for members of the House of Lords; the Peer door. It is a pity because our delegates from Paris would have enjoyed it for, as we all recall, the French adore Peer door.’

‘ I worry that we make too sharp a distinction between the on line and the off line. For those in areas with slow connections the feeling is of being semillon.’

I did ask the thousands of Tweeters and bloggers following the conference for their own ideas. But the only one who replied admitted his mind had gone blanc.

Maybe digital includers don’t drink wine, maybe it was the way I told them, or maybe (but this is preposterous) the jokes aren’t actually that funny. Anyhow, I may not have got many laughs at the conference, but I’m glad to let my readers begin their weekend with a smiling face. After all, not too have shared these comic treasures with you would have been very Chablis.

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9 Comments on A funny thing happened on the way to inclusion

  1. Michael (in UK) on Fri, 12th Mar 2010 11:51 pm

    2. It would be ungenerous to ask how how many weeks you have been working on the wine puns – and whether you came up with any of them when you should have been concentrating on something else.

    When I start re-telling what I (not very modestly) think are my recent “good lines” a look comes over my wife’s face that I have come to recognise – maybe your loved ones do the same?

    Keep working on the material, and remember the great Jerry Seinfeld’s advice:
    “timing, inflection, attitude. That’s comedy. And if you find they’re not laughing, keep smiling, wipe your brow, and try to get them on the next bit.”

  2. Livy on Sat, 13th Mar 2010 12:11 am

    3. This was so entertaining that it made me go back one and think about evolutionary psychology.

    Seriously…fire your speechwriter. That was the comedy equivalent of the house wine at TGI Fridays.

    Suddenly I’m no longer wondering why my comments now need moderation & approval before being posted…

  3. Peter on Sat, 13th Mar 2010 9:58 am

    4. Matthew, don’t worry about getting a negative reaction to your wine puns from the crowd. It they look at you as though you just shat (“Oh!”) – laugh! eat!

  4. Peter on Sat, 13th Mar 2010 12:02 pm

    5. P.S. They say Boris Johnson is an idle sod, but I’ve never seen BoJo laze…

  5. Richard Polkinghorne on Sat, 13th Mar 2010 10:43 pm

    6. I’ve never heard of you before, but given your appearence on Moral Maze thought I might benefit from finding your web presence and more of what you had to say about today’s society.
    I cannot believe how shallow you are given this prattle. Who on Earth funds your organisation? I would be ashamed of such rubbbish if I were ever to arive at your supposedly elite intelligence.

  6. Nick Cambridge on Sun, 14th Mar 2010 2:31 pm

    7. I am a retired GP and I have always believed that laughter is the best medicine. It is important that we shiraz much of our thoughts with each other as possible.

    My wife reminded me that husbands are like fine wine. We start out like grapes. Then our wives stamp on us, and keep us in the dark until we mature. And hopefully we will turn out to be something that they would like to have dinner with.

    Finally, what did the grape say when he was squeezed? Nothing. He just wined.

  7. karl on Sun, 14th Mar 2010 8:16 pm

    8. Some of your readers are obviously a bit dry … looks like in the future you’ll have to do it on your Rhone!
    I’ll put a cork in it now … after these vintage efforts after which I feel well aged.

  8. Michael (in UK) on Mon, 15th Mar 2010 12:17 am

    9. Sparkling stuff from Karl !

  9. Michael (in UK) on Mon, 15th Mar 2010 5:43 pm

    10. Matthew,

    were those groans at your puns genuine?, or were they …a case of sham pain?

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