My wife’s gone to the West Indies…..

May 29, 2009 by matthewtaylor
Filed under: Uncategorized 

Over the years I have had a number of criticisms of my blog; too political, too opinionated, too little about the RSA, too much about the RSA, much too much about me. But one of the first was a Fellow who included in a lengthy list of my misdemeanours the allegation that I had ‘used the Society’s website to make jokes’. This was a reference, I think, to an early post in which I proudly clamed to have made up my own witticism.

Anyway, time has passed; it is a Friday, the sun is shining and we need something to take our minds off a failing economy, the collapse of Westminster democracy and the threat of an attack by North Korea.

The prompt was my father ringing me, as he often does on a Wednesday, for a joke to use in his Radio 4 programme ‘Thinking Allowed’. The subject was gambling and although he ended up using a different gag, his request led me to discover the following:

I visited the Dalai Lama’s country to go greyhound racing
Tibet?
No, I just like dogs

This is a variance on the classic

My wife’s gone to the West Indies
Jamaica?
No, she went of her own accord

When I worked at ippr a few years ago, between renewing the democratic left and finding innovative paths to social justice, we spent an afternoon inventing our own versions:

My sister’s gone to the capital of Indonesia
Jakarta?
No, she took the plane

Gradually these became more elaborate:

My brother sells electrical accessories in the largest city in Yorkshire
Leeds?
Yes, and plugs and chargers

And contrived:

My wife’s testing a new product in Poole
In Dorset?
Yes, she thinks it’s great

So, here’s a weekend challenge to my reader (happy birthday for yesterday, mum); invent your own ‘wife’s gone to the West Indies’ joke. The best one gets free Fellowship of the Society (but, not really).

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Comments

29 Comments on My wife’s gone to the West Indies…..

  1. Rebeccada on Fri, 29th May 2009 8:26 am

    2. Person 1: Me and my wife went on Holiday to Wales.
    Person 2: Bangor?
    Person 1: Mind your own business.

  2. James Horn on Fri, 29th May 2009 8:46 am

    3. My wife’s gone to the south of France to buy fittings for our new bathroom.

    Toulouse?

    No, just one, but we’ll probably get a bidet at the same time.

    Sorry.

  3. Rebeccada on Fri, 29th May 2009 8:49 am

    4. My brother’s gone to France to play the casino’s.

    Toulouse?

    No stupid, to win!

  4. Mark on Fri, 29th May 2009 8:50 am

    5. My wife’s gone to Italy.

    Genoa?

    Yes, she’s my wife.

  5. matthewtaylor on Fri, 29th May 2009 9:10 am

    6. Rebecca, Mark, James

    Genius!

    My wife’s on a diet from Eastern Europe
    Hungary?
    You bet!

    My wife’s broken arm is being treated in West London
    Ealing?
    Yes, we ‘ope so

    Stop it – we’ve all got work to do

  6. Ez on Fri, 29th May 2009 9:44 am

    7. My wife’s been diagnosed with one of those psychological syndromes that you get when held captive for long periods of time but find it strangely intoxicating all the same.

    “Stockholm?”

    “Yes probably something to do with those eternal Saturdays spent at IKEA.”

    ***

    My wife’s gone to Venezuela for the weekend

    Caracas?

    Yes, I think she’s nuts

  7. Adrian McEwen on Fri, 29th May 2009 9:56 am

    8. Apologies in advance for stopping you getting any more work done, but it is Friday…

    http://shewentofherownaccord.com/

    Should keep you busy for a while :-)

  8. Ez on Fri, 29th May 2009 10:03 am

    9. and finally…

    My husband’s gone to Switzerland to buy herbs

    Basel?

    No, rosemary and tarragon

  9. Ez on Fri, 29th May 2009 10:04 am

    10. and finally…

    My wife’s gone to Switzerland to buy herbs

    Basel?

    No, rosemary and tarragon

  10. Will on Fri, 29th May 2009 10:19 am

    11. Wy wife went to see the Doctor in Worcestershire.
    Redditch?
    Yes, but she’s got some cream now.

  11. Henry on Fri, 29th May 2009 11:57 am

    12. My wife’s gone to Zimbabwe to buy a new sports car

    Harare?

    Nah she prefers a Porsche

    (sorry)

  12. Akash on Fri, 29th May 2009 12:14 pm

    13. I had a Big Mac in francophone West Africa.

    Togo?

    No I decided to eat in.

  13. The Englishman on Fri, 29th May 2009 12:19 pm

    14. -My wife’s gone to the Indian coast
    -Goa?
    -Phwoar! I’ll say!

    -My wife’s gone to St Petersburg.
    -Is she Russian?
    -No, she’s taking her time.

    -My wife’s gone to Northern Italy
    -Genoa?
    -I should think so, we’ve been married for 20 years.

    -My wife’s had an accident on a volcano
    -Krakatoa?
    -No. She broke her leg.

    -My wife’s gone mad in Venezuela
    -Caracas?
    -Yes, absolutely loopy

    -My wife’s gone to the Welsh border.
    -Wye?
    -Search me.

    -My wife’s gone to the botanical gardens.
    -Kew?
    -Yes, it was rather busy.

    -My wife’s gone to Malawi
    -Lilongwe?
    -Yes, about 5000 miles

    -My wife’s got an upset tummy in Laos
    -Inkhazi?
    -Yes, constantly.

    -My wife’s gone to see relatives in France
    -Nice?
    -No, her Aunt and Uncle actually

    -My wife’s gone on a singing tour of South Korea
    -Seoul?
    -No, R&B

    -My wife caught a cold in the Gulf
    -Qatar?
    -Yes, she was coughing up greenies for weeks

    -My wife had an accident in Slovenia
    -Bled?
    -like a stuck pig.

    -My wife’s parents are from Croatia
    -Split?
    -No, they’re still happily married.

    -My wife went to a very bad concert in South East Asia
    -Singapore?
    -Terrible. And the rest of the band was even worse.

    My wife had a nasty car accident in Mid-Wales?
    - Lampeter?
    - No, she drove into a wall.

    - My wife’s studying polar bears somewhere in the Arctic.
    - Alaska?
    - Impossible, she’s out of contact at the moment.

    My wife’s gone to Iceland.
    Höfn?
    No, just the once.

    Who was the wife of Jupiter?
    Juno?
    No, that’s why I’m asking.

    What is the state capital of Alaska
    Juneau
    Yes, but do you?

    My brother was taken ill on a flight to England
    -Heathrow?
    -No, but he felt very queasy

    - My wife bought some second-hand clothes in Cheshire.
    - Altrincham?
    - No, they fitted her perfectly.

    Now back to work…

  14. matthewtaylor on Fri, 29th May 2009 12:22 pm

    15. Look, you lot, I am supposed to be working and Adrian has depressingly pointed out that there is already a whole web site dedicated to these jokes. But just before I get back to my writing……

    My brother in law is visiting a clinic in a south coast town to see if he can address his feelings of sexual inadequacy

    Littlehampton?

    Don’t be cruel

  15. Mark on Fri, 29th May 2009 12:40 pm

    16. My wife went to Morocco to buy a pet.

    Rabat?

    No, probably a Guinea Pig.

  16. Akash on Fri, 29th May 2009 12:44 pm

    17. I went to South America for a sex change operation.

    Uruguay?

    Not any more, darling.

  17. Rebeccada on Fri, 29th May 2009 2:44 pm

    18. My MP has used taxpayer money to take a trip to the West Indies…

    Jamaica?

    No, she just wanted a freebie…

  18. Ian on Fri, 29th May 2009 4:49 pm

    19. My wife is having some difficulty with the gradients down on the Antarctic Peninsula…

    Snow Hill?

    No, it’s a ruddy great mountain!

  19. Ian on Fri, 29th May 2009 4:50 pm

    20. My wife is having trouble packing for our holiday in the Channel Islands…

    Jersey?

    Are you crazy? It’s not the winter now you know!

  20. matthewtaylor on Fri, 29th May 2009 5:01 pm

    21. I’m being chased by a gang from near Manchester
    Hyde?
    But where?

  21. James Horn on Fri, 29th May 2009 5:27 pm

    22. Angelina Jolie and her husband are just crossing the river with my wife up in West Yorkshire.

    Bradford?

    No, he used the bridge.

  22. Tom Freeman on Fri, 29th May 2009 9:51 pm

    23. My friend’s gone to Brazil to get treatment for an STI.
    Gonorrhoea?
    No, to Sao Paolo.

  23. Rhys on Mon, 1st Jun 2009 9:45 am

    24. My brothe- in-law had a nasty accident in the toilets of a Royal Palace.

    Hampton Court?

    No, hit his head.

  24. Rhys on Mon, 1st Jun 2009 11:07 am

    25. I took my whites to a dodgy launderette in west London.

    Turnham Green?

    Yes, and no compensation!

    (credited to my mate Rick over the weekend)

  25. matthewtaylor on Mon, 1st Jun 2009 7:15 pm

    26. Love this and Hampton, although I did use this pun myself it still makes me giggle

  26. Philip on Fri, 5th Jun 2009 6:28 am

    27. My wife is pretending that she never went nude bathing in Egypt.

    In denial?

    No it was the hotel pool actually.

    or

    A musician charged my wife £50 for soft furnishings.

    Per cushion?

    No he was a guitarist

  27. Philip on Fri, 5th Jun 2009 6:30 am

    28. My mate was wearing a very cheap wig last week.

    Toupee?

    No I think it cost three quid.

  28. Philip on Fri, 5th Jun 2009 7:10 am

    29. My mate paid to visit one of the legal brothels in Nevada.

    Pahrump?

    I’m not sure what the basis was of the transaction.

  29. Gus on Wed, 25th Nov 2009 10:37 am

    30. My wife wants to go on holiday to Afghanistan.
    Jalalabad?
    Yes, and she heard they’ve outlawed karaoke.

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